Once Upon a Time I Wanted to Be An Artist

How to know what you want

I’ve been 20 days in Mexico and I’ve only picked up my drawing tools twice. I’ve spent a week with my mom and it was wonderful. I rarely have her to myself but we still nine days to go and though I want to enjoy my stay, I’m thinking about what I will do back home.

Cancer interruption

I’ve had little time to think about what’s next. After the last radiation treatment I felt like:

Sometime around November, my imagination began evaporating. My will had melted. I had come to the end of my art rope. I didn’t want to keep “seeking” anything.

I wanted to rest, but rest is tricky because getting back into motion by yourself is very hard. Just like working out.

I asked the dreaded question: what do I want?

And I had no answer. None. Zip. Rien. Nada.

It’s a terrifying feeling for someone who has never experienced emptiness or lack of curiosity. I had spent a few hours learning prompt engineering, a few hours learning some more Notion stuff. I spent also some hours drawing with charcoal, graphite, wax pastels.

Then, travel interruption.

First, we went to Gaspesie for two weeks and a half. A paradise for relaxation. More rest than we could handle because the weather kept us inside. Now we’re in Mexico all of February. I made no plans, I bought very few drawing materials and I haven’t even looked at them.

When I’m alone in the airbnb I sit at my computer, work a bit for my day job and then when other times I would be spreading my art supplies I just scroll the same three websites over and over.

I revisited an article I had read a long time ago about how to know what you want.

Mimetic desires

It’s straightforward: we want stuff by imitation. If we didn’t see an object or product, or someone else’s lifestyle we wouldn’t want it. This is fine, it’s normal and human. The trick is not everything one wants is meant for us. In other words, what we think we want, might be the worst thing that happens to us.

It’s been good to revisit this concept because lately I’ve been allowing my mind to dream about a certain thing which has nothing to do with visual art and more with writing and seeing as much nature as possible before it becomes trickier with heatwaves and fires and more doom.